Friday, April 13, 2012

It's the nights...

...that neither of can sleep that we have the best heart-to-heart discussions.

There is something to be said for not being able to sleep, especially when your best friend, your spouse is going through the same thing.  We lie there talking quietly, no interruptions, just us and our deepest thoughts.  In the dark I think we listen more attentively.  We are not rushed to express ourselves and we have more patience to really listen to what the other is saying.  The phone doesn't ring, the TV is off, the world feels at peace and so do we.


Last night it was about cemeteries, morbid, yes, necessary, also yes.  There were three options we talked about....Montana, Kansas or Utah.  All three had their pluses, but we finally decided Utah had the most positives.  I always believed I would be buried on the little rise of land south of Minneola, Kansas.  I had always imagined being next to my parents and grandparents.  It is a happy thought...Okay...a morbidly happy thought, but that was the plan.


....but then we ended raising our 5 children in Utah.  Though I sometimes feel like I'm just visiting here, I know this is where the children have put down their roots.  Even Andy who has been away from here for years and years.  When they think of home, they think of Centerville and the little two story home where the grew up.



Friday, April 6, 2012

1:52 a.m. .....




...1:52 a.m. was the answer to the question.  After looking at the clock I lay back down and began rehearsing different scenarios in my mind.  We had spent a long time discussing the very things that were playing out in my mind again.  Matthew and I fitfully slept, until I woke with my mind racing.   The “Why’s”, “What if’s” and “When’s” began to jumble in my tired mind. He had brought home a print out listing a job that I may be qualified for.  Yes, I thought, I need to consider getting a job with benefits and one that has a consistent 40 hours a week.  He told me not to worry, we have what I will need, yet the “What if’s” are there.  My stubbornness kicks in and I think to myself of how I am independent and strong.  I will do whatever I have to.

I think of a quote I read yesterday from Eleanor Roosevelt:


We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face…we must do that which we think we cannot.

...my mind begins to wander again...

…and then she’s there. I had been dreaming about mother when I awoke.  I dream of her almost every night now.  She hovers in my thoughts somewhere between my childhood memories and my “just yesterday” experiences of having her here with me.   I think of the things I could have done better.  I should have played more card games with her.  I shouldn’t have complained so much about having to buy her fast food for lunch.  She was old, sick and lonely.  She was dying long before I knew it.  I should have done more.

…and so there she is lingering in my subconscious ready to appear when the business of the day ends.

I wonder if this will be the case with Matthew?  When he is gone will Matthew also be there close enough that we will have conversations between us in my dreams?  Will the loneliness of not having him next to me in bed make those dreams comforting, allowing me to feel him close again, or will they make the pain of missing him unbearable?  What regrets will I have then? 

...my mind wanders again and my thoughts go to my grandmother.  I think of her loosing her husband when she was so young, pregnant and with 2 toddlers to care for.  How?  How in the world did she do it?  I was so naive when I was with her as a child.  I would love to talk to her today, ask her how to survive this.  She never complained.  I promise myself to remember her when I start to feel sorry for myself.  My life will never be as bad as hers was.

How blessed I am that I have had 36 years with Matthew.  They were not always easy years, there were disagreements, frustrations, misunderstandings, but the older I get the more I forget those and find myself lingering on the goodness of our lives together.  There was so much more joy than sadness.

I think of the frustrations I am feeling, the doctor not calling back, the things that need to be done around the house that he doesn’t feel like doing, my own “OCDness” of wanting to make things around me perfect when the world is collapsing.  I need to paint, clean, clean-out, organize, replace windows, pull weeds, get the hot water tank fixed, rake the hedge, purge the bad, sweeping every corner of my life and mind and find peace in my world.

Stop, I tell myself.  This isn’t helping.

…..and I force myself to listen to his breathing.  I lay my hand on his arm being careful to not wake him.  I pull the covers up around his shoulder.  Keep him warm I think.  In the darkness I can just make out his profile…

…remember, I think, remember how this feels to have him here, right next to me.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

9/11...

...a day to remember.




9/11/11 another day to remember and consider how grateful we are for our great country.


...and I think of my grandchildren and pray for a happy future for each of them.  I think of Preston, Madison, Abigail and Lukee and the great sacrifices their family has made to keep us all safe.


...and to remember this moment.




Matthew and I plan on watching this together and we will spend the day with our family.  


I recently came across this quote by Henry Van Dyke, 
 
“In some realms of nature, shadows or darkness are the places of greatest growth. The beautiful Indian corn never grows more rapidly than in the darkness of a warm summer night. The sun withers and curls the leaves in the scorching light of noon, but once a cloud hides the sun, they quickly unfold. The shadows provide a service that the sunlight can not.” 





Maybe this will sound cliche' or maybe it will sound Miss America'ish, but I'm wishing for world peace today in the shadows of 9/11. 









Friday, September 9, 2011

I'm struggling...

...with this new Blogger layout. I switched over and I'll probably switch back. I'm such a creature of habit that the old style feels more comfortable.


...on the other hand, this one might be OK once I practice it a few more times. I'll give it a week, but then it's back to the "good old" Blogger if this one starts to irritate me much more.


...and on the other, other hand, TODAY is the day!!!!



FAVORITE THINGS DAY


The Bush/Coil annual let's get together and eat our favorite things, watch our favorite movie, and receive everyone's favorite new item for the year, yep, PRESENTS from everyone and for everyone. However, there is a certain sadness that we will have one M.I.A. Shay's not here, but we know a year from now she will be and that makes it easier. In fact, I think next year we will have FAVORITE THINGS at her HOUSE.


YES, I'M CAPITALIZING TODAY BECAUSE TODAY I'M EXCITED THAT IT'S TODAY!!!


...AND I FEEL A SHOUT OUT TO DANIELLE IS IN ORDER...



SHE MADE THE EXECUTIVE DECISION TO RESERVE THE CONDO TWO MONTHS AGO AND THEN TELL EVERYONE....BE THERE!



(just tried to download a picture of her, but Blogger told me I had exceeded my limit of pics) Huh? I've never had that happen before and I have downloaded LOTTSA pics in the past. Is that new? Have any of you had that problem? Ok, ok, I know I download a lot of pics, but really this has never happened.  I'm feeling sentimental, I'm switching back.


...oh,  and you can see my sweet girl HERE!




Thursday, September 8, 2011

Today...

....I'm choosing to be happy.


I have a loving husband, great children and perfect grandchildren. I am grateful.


I heard a quote in church 2 weeks ago that if you are grateful you will be happy.... being grateful and unhappy cannot co-exist (paraphrasing, of course).


I keep thinking about the wisdom in that statement. It reminds me of the 10 lepers that Christ healed and how only one came back to thank him. I have to believe that that one "stranger" as he is referred to, meaning he didn't know Christ, was happier than all the rest, because he was more grateful than the 9 who went away skipping down the road (or whatever they did back then).


...so I've been trying to be more grateful...and you know what, it works...


...I feel happier today. ...and I'm happy that tomorrow is only a day away, Right Girls!!!!


...more of my "favorite" details to follow (that's code only Bush/Coil women understand)....


And to answer Kathryn's question in her comment, whipping cream...I am a firm believer that bribery is an acceptable form of coercion with small children in special circumstances, such as getting them to not fidget when you are trying to take pictures. "Smile at the camera and you'll get a squirt on the tastebuds"...great idea Erin.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Tea party...

...with Emry and Amelia in the park...


...and I was invited.



DSC_0640 DSC_0615 DSC_0599 DSC_0590 DSC_0589 DSC_0573 DSC_0559 DSC_0564 DSC_0553 DSC_0551 DSC_0544 DSC_0521 DSC_0520 DSC_0514 DSC_0474 DSC_0464 DSC_0441 DSC_0431 DSC_0406 DSC_0400 DSC_0395 DSC_0388 DSC_0385 Yes...I know that's a lot of pictures. ...but seriously, how can you pick one to not post???

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Perhaps it's my Kansas roots...




...that make me a window opener. The first thing in the morning I love to open a window, rain, cold, snow, heat...it doesn't matter, I have to open a window.


In Kansas there is always a breeze and I learned early on you could cool a house down in the evenings quicker by opening a couple of windows than turning up the air conditioner.


...and you could get a head start on the day by cooling the house down early in the morning as the voices of the meadow lark and mourning dove floated in with the breeze.


My grandmother's bedroom was upstairs. I stayed there often. From there the wind blew across the plains and straight across her bed. I would lie next to her in my cotton pajamas letting the cool breeze lull my too tired 8 year old body to sleep...the sheer curtains swaying and dancing in the moonlight as the roller shade gently tapped the window sill making a song in my drifting thoughts.


...and in the morning the veil of fabric softened the light as my eyes fought to take in the next day as the smell of coffee and bacon wafted up the long, narrow, wooden staircase. Mom and uncle Sethie's voices came on the breeze too, with the radio announcer's voice detailing the day's weather report and wheat prices in the background.



At home in my own bed, I was often woken to my mother opening my bedroom windows and raising the shade, the wind tickling my skin and the light reminding me there were weeds to be pulled in the garden. As much as I would have liked sleeping in, I did love the beginning of a new day and the possibility of some grand adventure or the thought that I would get to find out the ending of a book I was too tired to finish before sleep won the night before.



...so when mother was with us I would often open her window for her thinking she needed the fresh air, especially at the end when she became a hostage in her room, unable to safely negotiate the stairs.


After she left I kept her windows closed. I thought opening them would air it out and her scent would leave. The mixture of Estee Lauder and her lotion were specific to her and I needed to hold onto that as long as I could.


...but eventually it was gone.


So today I knew it was OK. I could open the window and not lose any of her. It was good to see her room bright and sunny again. It lifted my spirits. Before leaving her room I stopped and straightened the comforter on her bed, fluffing her pillows. I laughed to myself when I realized her treat drawer and recently been raided by some hungry great-grandchild...


...and I wondered, do they remember that was her idea, to have a treat drawer just for them?


I left her room smiling, thinking this was a big step for me, to bring her room back to life.


...but just now, as I walked past her door with a load of Saturday morning laundry, I had to stop...


...a gentle breeze had blown through her room across her bed, around her rocking chair, to that place she had been...


...and there it was, the scent of Estee Lauder.


Yes, today there was light in her room...


...and she was there.




Friday, September 2, 2011

Last weekend...

...was Emry's first soccer game.  It looks to be a good season.  Her team won 12 to 1 and scored 13 goals.  That's right, they scored one for the other team too.  I think that is so sweet...




Coach Coil giving some advice...






Cheerleaders...

Erin and Millie

...cooling down in the shade of grandpa's umbrella...

freckles are beautiful




a daddy's touch

DSC_0307

...Aunt Lala looking awesome in her Ragnar Relay shirt. 

DSC_0292





DSC_0287











...high fives down the line.  Way to go Green Dragons!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Here's another shout out...

...to KATHRYN!!!


She knew the line..."our most appalling secrets"...is from one of my top 10  movies, LITTLE WOMEN.

(it's another "shout out", because I think I shouted out about Kathy before but I'm too lazy to go back and look...anyway, she's an awesome Blogger and you should check out her cute kids HERE)

She definitely gets a prize for that...hmmm...it will have to be chocolate, but she lives in Pahrump, NV, so it has to be something that doesn't melt...hmmm...I'll have to mull that over a while...while I have another handful of M & M's.





Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Sailfish...


...fastest fish known to man...


Coilfish...



...cutest fish known to man...





...male Coilfish, tends to laugh a lot...



...while the female often comes up for air and to wave at the camera...


...comes in various sizes, with the male variety being tall and bald, while the females are short and much cuter...


...adolescent Coilfish tend to be show off's...




...see what I mean...


...they can be found walking in single file formation...




...and seem to be adrenaline junkies...





...teaching the toddler Coilfish how to fly...







...swimming in groups is preferred...

...some are lighter in color than others and some of them have really funny patches of white with lines of darker pigmentation on their limbs(or is that fins)...






..the older Coilfish like to get a good laugh at the expense of the guppies...




...in general, the Coilfish love adventure...

...and enjoy scaring the elderly Coil's with their crazy stunts...


...but no matter what, no matter where...




...the Coilfish  always have an appetite...




..."wanna see how much I LOOOVE you doughtnut"!












...all in all, the day was a hit....but it didn't end there, more pictures to come.