The rain...

...has left me feeling moody...well, not really moody, but introspective.  The quiet of the clouds seems to soften the noise of the city, the grayness dulls the bright, hot sun and then, yesterday, as the clouds parted for a few minutes, a layer of steam rose all around me.  As the mist enveloped me I began to think back on the past few months.

There are still things I am surprised about...even the thought that she died can sneak up behind me and tap me on the shoulder just when I am least expecting it.  However, I think I may be slowly recognizing the finality of the situation.  My consciousness is more aware of her absence than even a week ago...and I wonder, was she surprised at her leaving?




I leave a light on in her room.  It makes it easy to walk in and sit in her chair, even in the middle of the night, when I need to feel her close. 




Yesterday I carried a sleepy-eyed Logan up the stairs and rocked him in her room.  Holding the little boy she loved so much I took in all the things that are her.  I haven't changed it much.  The coffee pot still sits there, waiting for the morning and a fresh Krispy Kreme to be dunked.  Her small pillow she placed under her neck when the headaches became intense...and that brings another memory, a painful thought, she probably had a brain tumor and I did so little to help her through those terrible times.  Her treat's drawer that she kept stocked for all her great-grandchildren and pictures of the ones she loves the most, scattered here and there.  She spent most of her time sitting in that chair, enjoying life in the center of our large family.




The memories, like the rain, sometimes come in huge waves, filling my mind with thoughts that, like the gutter running over its banks, takes me hours to wade my way through.  Sometimes the memories are soft, like the drops that fall causing you to have to look out the window to see.  The gentle rain that you can only notice by looking at the puddles and the rhythm of waves, ever expanding from the power of a small drop.  Some memories are small, but carry a large impact, filling my heart, my mind, my very soul.




Is it possible to miss someone so much it hurts and still be happy?  It is, given the knowledge I have of where she is and who she is with.


...missing her will probably always be difficult, but after the memories come, they are followed by the mist that follows a beautiful spring rain...


...a mist of joy that cocoons me in a safe place of happiness.