Her advice...

...was truly heartfelt.  I knew she had our best interest at heart.


I knew what she meant...I think.  I mean, we've all heard the jokes about the mother-in-law.  Watch any late night comedian and they will tell you about how annoying, frustrating and rude their mother-in-law is and the audience laughs and applauds as if they all know exactly what he's talking about.  My friends and I have commiserated together on more than one occasion about the difficulties of dealing with our moms and our mothers-in-law as they get older (or maybe it's as we get older and, actually, my mother-in-law is a sweetheart).

...but her advice made me stop and think.  What if she was right?  What if having my mom live with us created such tension between me and Matthew that it affected our relationship?


She told me that she had not allowed her mom to move in with her, choosing instead to put her into a nursing facility.  She knew it wouldn't work for her and I think she truly believed it wouldn't work for us either.


...but she didn't know what I knew.


I knew the quality of man I was married to.  Though she knew him well, all his life in fact, she hadn't been close to him for years.  She was basing her opinion on what she thought he was.  I was basing my decision on who I knew he was.


I fell in love with Matthew for many reasons.  And through the years, those reasons had multiplied, rewarding me over and over again for my decision to marry him at a very young, naive time of my life.


As it turned out, having mother with us was actually easier on Matthew than me.  She and I would butt heads frequently...which drawer to put the kitchen towels in, which laundry soap was best, how wide to cut homemade noodles...funny now, when I think about how insignificant those things were...are...yet it was something we had to work through.


...but not Matthew.  He would come into the house at the end of the day like a shining knight on his trusty steed bringing her doughnuts, or the latest funny story he had cut out of the newspaper for her, or telling her a story about his day.  He would always hug me first, but his next stop was her room, just to let her know he was home.


Over time they became good friends.  They shared common interests...the grandkids, food, the weather......me.


The day after she died we walked to church.  At one point Matthew turned around and looked back at our house, her window, and in a melancholy voice said, "It's hard to think she's not going to be there when we get home."


...and so it was.


...and I guess that has been another one of the surprises.  How much he has missed her.  I have learned that he wasn't simply enduring the presence of his mother-in-law, he was enjoying it.  Their games of Rummikub or Uno after the supper dishes were cleared, the oatmeal cookies she made adding extra raisins just for him, discussing the price of wheat and the lack of moisture on the farm...


...he listened to her, really listened, and she knew it.  She ended up not just loving Matthew she really liked him.


There was not a day during her 8 years with us that he didn't perform at least one kind act for her.


...she loved it...


...she loved him...


How lucky am I.