Following my dad's death...

...I kept asking Michael if my dad was scared at the end?  I needed to know that he had just slipped from here to there without hesitation.  My motive for asking was really selfish, knowing it was easy for him made it easier for me.



I don't feel sorry for myself that I'm losing my mother, but I fear my reaction if my mother becomes frightened at the end.  I want to, no, have to be strong for her.  If I'm not, she will leave feeling worried about me.  She will be afraid that I'm not OK.  She will be sad and that's what I'm most afraid of happening.



I can hear an extra note of cheeriness in my children's voices.  They are all trying so hard to make it easier for me.  Matthew, too, talking, he just keeps talking, about the kitchen, about work, about the temple, about anything...just keep talking, because he helps me stay grounded and keeps me focused(the talk is good and I love him for it).



My friends are calling, worried about me.  My dear friend Lauren in Maryland called today.  Stephanie, at work, is watching, ready to take over and send me home if I need to leave.  Dr. D, as usual, is patient, understanding, never demanding.   They all seem to understand that sometimes I just need to be quiet, even if it is uncomfortable for them.  They are why I love my job, the people that care for me.


..and I have others, Mary Kay, Lynette, Dixie, Mardi all ready to come or just to listen.



 I'm grateful for what they are trying to do.  I can't imagine how difficult it would be to do this alone. 



..but I think I realize that eventually this is up to me, to walk through this experience alone, to have the courage to tell my mother she can go and that I am ready to let her leave. 



I don't know when I will be ready...



...I just hope I am...


...before she decides to go.