...can I be?
The jury is out now. Everyone has returned to their respective abodes and their normal routines.
Aubrey has the children back in school. Andy flew back to Ohio taking Shay and their 4 little Coil's with him. Michael has a big project due at work today and Erin is home with Emry and Amelia. D. is back to juggling 3 toddlers and being pregnant while Jake starts his summer work schedule. Lauren is P.E.'ing again with several hundred jr. high kids. Matthew was in the temple last night and will be at work all day today. I arranged to have the day off from work today, knowing I would be cleaning up from another Bush-Coil family party.
...tomorrow, even I will be back to the "same old, same old", answering phones and dealing with insurance companies.
By all outward appearances, life will be much the same, except...
...it is not.
People kept commenting on how brave I was. Even I was surprised and impressed with how tough I was the past 2 weeks. When mother really started to fail, I knew I had to focus on her and not take time to check out my own feelings. Then, when she was gone, I had to take care of everyone else and make plans to give her the best going away party I could.
...but all that's over now.
The beautiful flower arrangements are starting to droop and drop petals, another reminder of how finite time is...
The wonderful food provided by my sweet Relief Society friends and neighbors has maxed out it's shelf life in the fridge...
Our "heart attacks" are falling off the door...
...the house is quiet...very quiet.
It was easy to be brave when I had everyone around to distract me and keep me focused on the living, but I'm not sure how courageous I will be when I'm home alone and I know her room sits empty? Right now I may only be getting through this for the sake of everyone else.
...only time will tell how brave I truly am.
Then again, perhaps courage doesn't come because of how brave we are...
Maybe true courage comes from greeting sorrow and fear with joy and hope, because of prayers offered, food provided, hugs given and thoughts sent and if so, then I have no reason to fear my future.
...my only question is...
...how do I ever thank my family and friends for giving me something I never expected?
...the courage to keep on laughing, living and loving...
...for a time I was courageous for everyone else...
...now is the time to be brave because of everyone else.
...thank you to all my sisters for the many gifts of love.
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