"Feel this"...

...my mother said as she rubbed the top of her head.  I finished putting clean sheets on her bed and walked over to where she was sitting in her rocking chair.  I put my hand on top of her head and ask what I'm feeling for.  Before she can answer I feel it.  There's a dent in the top of her head...I feel it again in disbelief.  Don't over react, I think.  I'm confused and suddenly very scared for her.  I struggle to stay calm and ask if it hurts.  No, not really is her reply.




Not knowing what to say, I say nothing and just ask if I can get her anything?  She wants to go to bed, so I help her, tucking her clean blankets around her and situate the oxygen tube to help control the panting and slow her breathing.




I run downstairs knowing I have to call Andy.  He doesn't answer his cell.  I try the house.  Porter says he's delivering babies today.  I call his cell again and this time he answers.  The first thing he says is, "Everything OK mom?" as he realizes I have called him twice in just a few minutes.  No, I tell him, nothing is OK, I say to myself.  I know this is bad, but I can't wrap my mind around what is happening.




I try my best to explain there is a gap in Grandma Great's skull from the crown of her head about 3 inches back and a fourth to a half an inch deep.  No breaks in the skin, no redness, just missing bone.  Again, don't over react, I say to myself.


He's getting slammed in labor and delivery, he says he will call back.  I know he is trying to sort through this new information too.




Soon he calls back and we talk.  He says the word that I kept hearing in my own head...cancer...probably bone cancer.  The rest of the discussion is lost to me, but I remember a few words...MRI...dizziness...confusion...pain...not long.




...and then mother is calling for me...




...morphine, please, she asks politely, even when in pain...




...hurry, I think...



...she's hurting...


...I squeeze the dropper full of morphine into her mouth, then tuck her in again...



...Leaving, I shut the door gently behind me and from her room comes the soft answer, "Thank you."